a mall pretzel how to video.
This is going to save me and cost Auntie Anne’s, like, $20,000/year.
(Source: elephantine.typepad.com)
Cream Cheese Chicken Salad Melt
So fucking good, I can’t even tell you. Seriously, no words. Should have sent a poet.
Cream Cheese Chicken Salad Melt
- 2 8-oz packages neufchatel cheese
- 3 tbsp mayonnaise
- 2 tbsp plain yogurt
- 1.25 lbs raw chicken tenders
- 1 c raw oats
- 1/4 c honey
- 4 oz dried cranberries
- 4 oz pine nuts
- granny smith apple, chopped into 1/2-in pieces
- salt
- pepper
- nutmeg
- croissants
- 1 tbsp butter
- sliced provolone cheese
- 4 tbsp canola oil
Start by cooking the chicken. Set the oven to 375 F and heat up about 2 tbsp of canola oil in a pan. Drizzle the other 2 tbsp of canola onto a baking sheet with sides. Salt and pepper each chicken tender, then drizzle with honey and coat with oats. Fry in the hot oil for about 3 mins on each side, then transfer to the baking sheet. Bake for about 15-20 mins, then let cool and cut into 1/2-in chunks.
While the chicken is cooking, combine the neufchatel cheese, mayo, and yogurt in a large tupperware container. Add a little bit of salt, a sizable amount of pepper, and maybe 1/4-tsp nutmeg to the mix. Fold in the dried cranberries, pine nuts, and chopped apple. Finally, when it’s cool and cut up, fold in the chicken. You can eat the chicken salad right after you make it, but honestly it’s better after it’s been sitting in the fridge for about 24 hours so that the flavors can mix together. This will make a shit load of chicken salad.
When you are ready to make a melt, set the oven to 400 F. For each melt, cut a croissant in half. Put two thin slices of butter on a baking sheet and place the top half of the croissant top-up over one slice and the bottom half bottom-down on the other slice. Pile some chicken salad on the bottom half, cover with a piece of provolone, and pop that shit in the oven for about 10 mins, until the cheese is all melty.
THIS MAKES A CRAZY FUCKING DELICIOUS SANDWICH, I CANNOT EVEN TELL YOU. ENJOY WITH CHOCOLATE MILK.
Egg White and Brie… Fried… Things
It’s a Friday in Lent, and since I want to get into heaven, I can’t eat the flesh of a land animal. Since I don’t really count eggs as animal flesh, I invented this pathetic meal to prevent my starving to death. It turned out pretty tasty, so I’m posting the recipe to this food blog I forgot I had.
- White of one egg, beaten
- 2 tbsp brie, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
- 1 cup panko bread crumbs
- 1 cup canola oil
Heat the oil in a saucepan. While that’s happening, put the egg whites in one bowl and the bread crumbs in another. Since the desired result is a sort of bubble of poached egg whites with brie in the middle, the best way I could figure out to make that happen was to get a piece of brie on a spoon, dip it in the egg whites so that it’s coated, but also gather some extra egg whites in the spoon, and then pour the contents of the spoon into the panko. It’s pretty good about clinging to the egg whites, and they’re all gelatinous and weird anyway, so once you’ve coated the egg pretty good with panko, scoop the whole blob back up with the spoon and deposit it in the hot oil to fry. Repeat until you’ve used up all the chunks of brie. For me, it made about five croquette-sized cheesy egg spheres that taste like a really meh version of chicken cordon bleu. Which is fine by me, because I’ve got some sort of massive hangover/stomach flu that hasn’t let me keep anything down all day. Bon appetit!
Edit: For added vegetarian delight, these would probably be really good if you mix some pepper and basil into the egg and dip the fried things in some kind of marinara or tomato cream sauce, but I’m too close to death’s door for that kind of behavior right now. If you’re down with chowing on something that used to be alive, add some salt and pepper to the egg and pair some 1/2-in chunks of bacon with the brie, then dip that shit in maple syrup.
Super Easy Pork Tacos
(If you know what I mean)
- 3lb pork butt
- 1/4 c dark brown sugar
- 1/3 c light brown sugar
- 2 tbsp vinegar
- 2 tbsp olive oil
- 1/8 tsp nutmeg
- 1/2 tsp black pepper
- 1/2 tsp pink pepper
- 1/8 tsp thyme
- 1/4 tsp garlic powder
- 1 tsp salt
- 1 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
- 1/2 small onion, chopped
- 2 or 3 cloves garlic
- flour tortillas
- queso fresco
Place the pork butt in a crock pot and cover with everything except the tortillas and cheese. Let it cook for about 8 hours, then shred the pork. Microwave the tortillas for a few seconds to heat them up, then fill them with shredded pork topped with queso.
Fried Chicken with Apricot Bacon Sauce
Fried Chicken
- 3 skin-on chicken thighs
- 1 tsp cayenne
- salt
- pepper
- 3 tbsp butter
- 2 c flour
Line a baking sheet with foil and place thin slices of butter all over. Preheat oven to 425 F and put the baking sheet in the oven so the butter can melt while the oven heats up. Season the chicken with salt and pepper. In a bowl, mix the rest of the dry ingredients (plus 1/2 tsp salt and 1 tsp pepper). Coat the thighs in the dry mixture. Remove the baking sheet from the oven and place the thighs skin-down in the melted butter. Bake for 45 mins, then reduce heat to 375 F and bake for 35 more mins.
Apricot Bacon Sauce
- 3/4 c apricot preserves
- 2 tsp pepper
- 2 tbsp butter
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/4 tsp almond extract
- 1/2 tsp cayenne
- turbinado sugar
- 4 slices of bacon
Fry the bacon in a skillet with pepper and a sprinkling of turbinado. Meanwhile, heat the preserves in a small saucepan with the butter until the mixture has reduced to half its original volume. Add the spices and almond extract and reduce to low heat; stir occasionally while the bacon cooks. When the bacon is finished, drain on a paper towel, then crumble into the preserves, stir, and serve over chicken.
Giant Breakfast
To start things off, fry five or six slices of bacon in a skillet with pepper and throw some biscuits in the oven. When the bacon is done frying, remove the slices to a paper plate to drain and reserve the drippings in the pan.
Hash Browns
- 1/2 bag frozen hash browns
- salt
- pepper
- cayenne
- 3 tbsp butter
- 1/2 c cheddar cheese
- 1/2 onion, chopped
- 1/4 c chopped ham
Cook the hash browns, covered, in the bacon drippings for about five minutes on one side. Add salt, pepper, cayenne, onions, butter, and ham, flip, cover, and cook for about five more minutes. Add the cheese, cover, and cook for another minute or so.
Scrambled Eggs with Truffle Oil and Bleu Cheese
- 2 eggs
- 2 tbsp whole milk
- 1/2 tsp truffle oil
- 1/4 c chopped ham
- 3 tbsp bleu cheese
- salt
- pepper
- 2 tbsp butter
Melt the butter in a pan. In a small bowl, beat the eggs and milk together, then pour into the pan. Let the eggs cook for a minute or two over medium-low heat, until they start to puff up, then add the salt, pepper, and ham, and scramble. When they’re pretty much cooked to your liking, add the truffle oil and cheese, cover for a minute, then serve with the hash browns, bacon, and biscuits.
Pitas and Spicy Cheese Sauce
- 1/4 c tomato sauce
- 1 tbsp cayenne
- 1 tsp garlic powder
- 1 tsp pepper
- salt
- 4 oz neufchatel or cream cheese
- some brie, if you want, or whatever other extra white, relatively flavorless cheese you have lying around
- pitas
- olive oil
Mix spices into sauce in a bowl with cheese and microwave until the cheese is melted. Cut the pitas into chips and toast in the oven. Dip pita chips in cheese sauce. If you are Chase, eat any remaining sauce with a spoon.
Banana Bread with Peanut Butter Butter
Banana Bread
- 3 ripe bananas
- 1/3 c melted butter
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 1 egg
- 1 c chopped walnuts
- 1/2 tsp salt
- dash of pepper
- 1 tsp vanilla
- 1 1/4 c flour
- 1 c sugar
- 2 tbsp brown sugar
Mash the bananas in a large mixing bowl. Stir in the butter, then the egg, then the sugar, then the spices and baking soda, then the walnuts, and finally the flour. Pour into a buttered 8x5 loaf pan, sprinkle the brown sugar on top, and bake on 350 F for an hour. Cool on a wire rack.
Peanut Butter Butter
- 3 tbsp peanut butter
- 2 tbsp room-temperature butter
- 1/8 tsp salt
Combine ingredients in a little bowl, melt for a few seconds in the microwave, then freeze for a couple of minutes to set it. Spread on banana bread. (It’s even better if you put some honey butter on there first. Why don’t I weigh 400lbs yet.)
Food, Glorious Food
